2004-01-23

I used to wonder why I didn't fit in with groups or cliques. I mean, I literally did not...fit..in... I would spend hours as a child and teenager, pondering over why I was so different from my peers. What was it about me that prevented me from joining in after-school giggles in the gym? or, popping into the local pizza shop to hang-out with high school "friends"? or, kept me from joining clubs and sport events? My self-imposed aloofness caused me many a nights of restless sleep.

I was content to sit in corners, my nose stuck in a book, ignoring most of the people around me. I became an aficionado at the art of ignore. I even earned such titles as "stuck-up", "snob", "bookworm", and yes, even an "upstart". The few close friends I did have would often apoligize to others for my behavior: "she's really not like this all the time" and "once you get to know her, she really is a lovely person". Oh, if only they knew I deliberately ignored the majority of the world around me.

I relished in the air of mystery that shrouded me. I never wanted anyone to get too close or to know me too well. I kept even those few friends at a distance, never talking to them outside of school or inviting them over for sleep-overs. I just didn't feel comfortable around people; no one spoke my "language" or read the books or listened to the music or watch the tv shows I did. I literally felt like an alien on a strange planet; however, I didn't want to assimilate into the "fold".

Although I have come to grasp with my strange behavior (yes, there is even a name for it: schizoid), it has left me with very few real friends in this world. I cannot blame people for seeking "fun-loving" friends elsewhere, especially when I am so content to just be by myself.

Those friends who have given up on me over the years have asked me why I am so apathetic about people in general. And all I can tell them is that I do not lack empathy completely, it is just that I only give empathy to others when it suits me. Yes, that sounds harsh, but over the years I have grown thick-skinned from allowing the few close friends I had to take advantage of me. It was almost as though they thought that since I didn't have many friends, then they were irreplacable. Surely I would rather allow them to sponge off of me eternally than to be alone? Oh, if they only knew...

+ posted by lorianna66 at 3:16 a.m.

1 slipped off the lilypad